i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
