All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
