Do you still have your period?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
