i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
