well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize