I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
