I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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