My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Please don't give away my fajitas
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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