I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
