its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
