She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
