just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
