How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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