im drinking this country out of the recession.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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