Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize