So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
