i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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