Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
