Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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