9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
