God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Randomize
