Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
