i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
