I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
