Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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