My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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