Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
