we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
