how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
