I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
