Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
