o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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