I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
