Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
