Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
