John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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