if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
