Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
