i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I smell like Dick and happiness
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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