he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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