so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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