i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
