Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize