***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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