Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
