Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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