she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
