I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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