I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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