when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
