This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is this like a preordered booty call?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
