on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
