shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize