and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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