and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
