my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
