i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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