Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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